The Curious Case of the Veggie Patty on the Carpet

Today I'd like to share a story about the time I found a curiously shaped veggie patty sitting in the middle of my living room floor. A jagged chuck was taken out of it, as if someone took a bite, thought better of it, and decided to leave it on the carpet for whatever starving college student happened to wander into the apartment that night. True, stranger things have happened; once the same thing happened with a pair of sweatpants (but no bite marks). To this day I have no idea where those pants came from.

But back to the patty. My first thought: What the heck is a half eaten veggie patty doing in the middle of my living room? I looked around; no one was home. Was I burgled? (I love that word). Did some mysterious ninja burglar enter my home just to steal a bite of a microwavable patty made of mushed vegetables? That would actually be pretty cool. What would the media call him? He'd be like the 2014 version of the Hamburglar, teaching kids it's okay to steal, as long as you eat healthy. But, I don't think it was the Vegiburlar (need to think of a better name for that).

Well, I'm sure you can guess what actually happened. I was eating a microwavable veggie patty, with no bun or condiments, alone in my pjs. Cue the miniature violin please. And apparently, I had a seizure, dropping the half eaten patty in the process. Whenever a seizure like this occurs, I have the fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, I actually time traveled, or that maybe that magical round assortment of chickpeas and carrots was actually a portkey to the other side of my living room. But alas, I fear that was not the case.

Luckily, I was okay (see, apartment realtor guy, I really don't need your fancy hardwood floors, carpet is just fine). My brother and his girlfriend showed up a short while later. In true post-seizure fashion, I had no idea what they were doing there. Apparently we were due to play sickball (a creative mashup of kickball and softball) with, of course, the epilepsy foundation's team. Our team name was, get this, The Movers and Shakers. It was awesome. Of course I have no idea who won, or if there was a winner, or if I played, etc.

But, I have the satisfaction of knowing I solved a mystery. I only wish I had had some sunglasses and Baba O'Riley playing in the background (yeeaaah).