3 years: A reflection

Hello friends! This week marks three years seizure free! Thank you to everyone who has helped me through these years! (last exclamation point I swear).

These past three years have brought much change. I quit a really shitty job, got my masters degree, moved across the entire country, and got engaged. I can't help think about how all of these events were impacted by my epilepsy.

I'm a big fan of the chaos theory (also known as the butterfly effect). I'm a fan in the sense that I think about it all the time. Sometimes too much...if I have a Frappuccino instead of the Americano will a cat die in Russia? I can't deal with that pressure, I should just go home...But, I do think certain things lead us down a very specific path we would otherwise not have considered.

In my case, I had a plan. After college I was going to work in Hollywood and make movies. I worked on a couple TV shows during college, did some video editing, and was pretty much all set in the way of contacts. Then I lost my license. It is virtually impossible to start at the bottom in the industry and not have a car. How would I go get last-minute specialty tea from Whole Foods for an actress's psychiatrist? (true story btw). So, essentially that dream was dead. I know, I could have probably found a way to make something work. But it wasn't the same. Not to mention the lack of public transit in southern California. So, plan B...

I took some technical writing classes at SDSU and got a job at the now infamous company called IMS. For anyone who knows me, you probably know that Dante was wrong, the 9th circle of hell is working at IMS. But, it was a job. And I could get to it.

Eventually, I had enough. I went back to school to get my masters if only so I could have an excuse to be unemployed and broke. I moved in with one of my best friends and through him met my fiance. Through my masters program, I got an internship in Cambridge, which I loved, and then was offered a job. So I moved across the country. And my fiance followed.

Once in Cambridge, I found the most awesome writing group (shout out to Grub Street) and was finally able to complete a draft of my novel.

In retrospect, I would never have moved across the country, rekindled my passion for writing, or gotten engaged to Chris if I hadn't had epilepsy and therefore lost my license. I don't know where I would be. I could be a famous director, negotiating with George Lucas or Steven Spielberg on the next big blockbuster. I could have hated the industry, met a rock star and became a permanent groupie (or band aid if you prefer). I could have been sucked into the black hole that is reality TV and become famous for....well something I'm sure. Maybe I would have been happier, but maybe not. Maybe I would be richer, maybe not. I'll leave it at this: things would be different. 

But here I am. And at a bit of a crossroads again. I'm faced with the decision of going off my medication. To be honest, I'm terrified. Doctors say I can probably wean myself off the medication because I haven't had a seizure in 3 years. But isn't the medication the reason for that? What if I'd be fine without it and I'm just harming my body and wasting money by continuing to take it? In reality, it's all a guessing game both for the doctors and for me. And after careful consideration, I've decided to stay on my meds for now. At least until I decide to have a family. But that's a whole other situation to deal with...

So where do I go from here? Well for now I'll be on the east coast working on my second draft. And when/if I ever sell it, I'll have (what I loosely call a disability) to thank.